Healing the Whole ...

I know I want to write this blog but it's a tough soul-baring one. Even more so than the entries here that have gone before! I plan to share this more publicly too because it's important. For me and for others. My life coach asked recently what kind of year 2017 had been for me. "It’s been the year I got shit done" I replied. And it has been. I finally published my book (The Superhero I was Born to Be available from www.sarahwindrum.co.uk in paperback or https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B077DVD5R2 in e-book), got divorced, and am about to move house. It was also the year I removed some of the emotional 'quick fixes' from my life that I discuss in Superhero. I got rid of the things that gave my heart a high of temporary pleasure followed by a low of longer term regret. I started 2017 determined my heart would be strong and resist all temptation. I went in hard. While writing Superhero, I identified the emotional fuel my heart needs. So starting the year I felt...

I am very similar to a teenager. To know my mood, all you have to do is listen to the music I am playing. Linkin Park if I am angry. Lionel Richie if I am sad. 90s dance if I want to get motivated. Motown if I want to fall in love. When I lost my babies I couldn't listen to music. It was too painful. I didn't feel there was a song on this earth that could match my emotion. It wasn't a conscious descison though, much of my life after that was on auto-pilot, so it was in the car I first noticed it. I'd usually have my music blaring out loud singing along, but it was several months before I even turned on the radio. My grief felt so unique that no one could possibly understand it, let alone have written a song about it. I wrote poetry as my own outlet. It was about a year later when Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven was played while I was with a group of friends. I knew the story but this time the song spoke to me totally differently. I had to leave the room as sobs wra...

My ex sent me a video today. He's an maintenance engineer in a vehicle manufacturing plant and the video is him with a sledgehammer bashing some equipment recorded in slow motion. 'Thought you would like this' goes the message. He thought I would like because he knows I like strong men. I was always extremely attracted to his muscular arms and legs. He's a kick boxer so that helped too! It's evolutionary. Like it or not, women are the weaker sex and when it comes to the bedroom I want a man that looks and feels strong enough to own me. But I also want a man who is emotionally strong. And here lies my problem. Because my ex, like myself, grew up being told that vulnerability is weakness. That the best form of defence is attack. Our parents did this to make us strong but instead they made us weak. Afraid to open our heart. Afraid to feel what we feel. Afraid to truly love anyone who could hurt us. It has taken me a lot of time and a lot of tears to get to this p...

It's my favourite bit in the film Avatar. The blue-skinned native female sees Sam Worthington's character Jake Sully in his human form and looks deep his eyes. "I see you," she says in her native tongue, to which he responds the same. Nothing has changed between them. They are still in love. I cherish that idea. I think it's Buddhist. The concept that someone will recognise you no matter what form you take. That you have something quintessentially you that can be read and understood in your eyes. I have been searching for that man who sees me and loves me as I am for all my adult life. But the man I met, whom my heart won't let go, appears only to see my armour. My ability to appear powerful and fearless in my fight to make the world a better place. I want him to see the vulnerable girl full of fear who every day finds the strength to fight on anyway. But to him, she doesn't exist. He sees a warrior princess. I suppose I should feel flattered that m...

I am frightened of a lot of things. I have got much worse as I have got older and especially since having my daughter. I am fearful not fearless. I cannot cope with hearing about bad things happening in the world. I don't watch the news and only read the local newspaper. I cannot watch the soaps or dramas. I can't bear to see how awful human beings can be to one another even in fiction. I am scared of anything that could bring harm. Heights is probably the big one that most affects my day to day. My daughter knows how frightened I am of everything. We make a joke out of it as she soars high on roller coasters with my Dad or my nieces and nephews and I stay a quivering wreck at the bottom waiting for her safe return. So last year when my friend asked me to loop the loop in a tiny plane over a local airfield, I was not keen. As well as fear, I suffer with motion sickness and have thrown up on planes, trains, automobiles, (and boats!) many times in my life. But it was for a char...