Healing the Whole ...

This week I have moved house. It is apparently the third most stressful thing you can do (along with getting divorced which is why I am moving house!) but coupled with that over the last 14 years I have fallen in love with my house. And I don’t mean I love it like the inanimate object that it is or I love the memories I have made in it. I mean I am in love with it like you are in love with a person. It is part of me. It is my safety net. My comfort blanket. The one that is always there. The one that will never let me down. I know where I stand and it always delivers exactly what I expect every time. I could go on.  I have been through some very difficult times in my house but it has always kept me safe. I never witnessed nor was the victim of any violence in those four walls. It never gave me anything but support. Four walls of it. And a front door that locked and shut the world out. I have lost count of the amount of times I have been hiding in my bed while the door knocked an...

I know I want to write this blog but it's a tough soul-baring one. Even more so than the entries here that have gone before! I plan to share this more publicly too because it's important. For me and for others. My life coach asked recently what kind of year 2017 had been for me. "It’s been the year I got shit done" I replied. And it has been. I finally published my book (The Superhero I was Born to Be available from www.sarahwindrum.co.uk in paperback or https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B077DVD5R2 in e-book), got divorced, and am about to move house. It was also the year I removed some of the emotional 'quick fixes' from my life that I discuss in Superhero. I got rid of the things that gave my heart a high of temporary pleasure followed by a low of longer term regret. I started 2017 determined my heart would be strong and resist all temptation. I went in hard. While writing Superhero, I identified the emotional fuel my heart needs. So starting the year I felt...

I have come to the realisation that I have a sensitive heart. If you met me, sensitive is not the word that would spring to mind I admit. I did some DISC profiling on a leadership course today and I am, as always, a high D with elements of C. D is for dominance. I am assertive, forceful, results-driven. But that is my mind. These profiles rarely give you an opportunity to delve into your heart. And my mind is strong as I have already mentioned in this blog. I am not surprised as I have spent years and years strengthening it. Being clever was my thing from an early age. I remember being 4 or 5 years old and being able to name every member of Margaret Thatcher's Cabinet as my party piece. I wasn't particularly pretty as a child (or teenager for that matter!) and although I liked athletics I was consistent rather than exemplary. I also wasn't creative in anything valued like art or music. As a child I shut myself in my room and read books and as a teenager I wrote dark poetr...

"You ok?" A stock phrase we often use as a greeting. See also "How's things?" or "What's up?" But in using them as a greeting I believe we risk forgetting what it is we are actually asking. And vice versa, when asked, we may lose the opportunity to respond honestly. In my new book, The Superhero I was Born to Be, I talk about letting go and being real. Giving away a small piece of myself in order to build my superpower team around me. Giving everyone a chance to build a bridge of trust. And accepting that some people will want to and some won't. I have started using the question greeting as an opportunity to give away that little something. Instead of giving a stock answer of "yeah, I'm fine" or "things are ok"; I will offer a real response. And often this is not what the recipient wants because they didn't really want to know if I am ok. They were just offering a greeting. For example, recently the man I used ...

I am in the longest period of continued darkness that I can remember for a while. It's now in its 5th week. This time it is different though. I am functioning well. Probably at about 60%. I have made all of my commitments. I have not shut myself away or spent days in bed. But I know the darkness is there. My anxiety churns over and over in the pit of my stomach. The darkness manifests itself in little ways: I am not using social media. So much so that people are messaging me asking if I am ok. And I should probably think this is nice but I don't. I want to be left alone. A friend went to hug me as we parted company the other day. I froze. I didn't want her to touch me. I felt my skin crawl as she embraced my stiff, tense body. And I am a girl who loves physical affection. But not when I am trying to shut the world out. I wanted to tell her not to touch me. It took a whole lot of energy to restrain myself and allow my body to be held. I am getting tension headaches e...

I am feeling a little strange today. Yesterday I had a very interesting experience. One that stirred up emotions I had buried last year. I guess it is the right time to process them. Last year my 6 year involvement with a local community group came to an end. Put frankly I was bullied. A fairly young, outspoken woman such as myself is often a target for criticism and I am strong enough to take that. But this was a different league. I do not want to go into the details here but yesterday I was asked to go through the timeline of events from June to November 2016. This person is compiling a narrative as, inevitably, the bullying group have moved on to others since and the situation is being taken to a higher level. In preparation I went through all the old emails I had on the subject and one particularly struck me. I had emailed the Chair of this group to inform him I would not be able to attend the Committee Meeting in November due to the unresolved bullying situation. I told him in...

I have been thinking a lot about this recently. How hard the first step is for those around me to take. Is it because, like Martin Luther King predicted, we want to see the whole staircase? I take a lot of first steps. I seem to be good at doing it. And then I grow frustrated when the climb starts to look tough and I turn around and no one else is there. No one else seems to have been brave enough to make the leap with me. In their defence, I may not see the whole staircase but I certainly see the top. I see what it could be like if I make it there. Where I fail is I don't see all the hard work in between. I have a real thing for men that are physically fit and strong. I used to think it was an evolutionary thing. And while I still think that is partly true, whilst talking about this recently with a girlfriend over a glass or two of gin, I realised something else is also at play. You have to have tenacity and drive to maintain strength and fitness. And I admire that immensel...

I like to feel in charge of a situation. I like to be in control. Except in the bedroom by the way, but that's a different story! I have spent years in personal development mode. Reading, writing, searching, explaining. The more I discover, the more I realise there is to learn. I began to feel more out of control than ever. I wished I could return to blissful ignorance once more. Today I met the man I am in love with for coffee. A business yet friendly meeting which left me feeling as I always do when I leave his company - yearning for more. Two kisses on the cheek for goodbye. A gentle touch on the back for hello. It will never be enough. But as I get ready for my first date with a new man found through a dating site I realise that it is time to take charge of my life. The Man I Love is not meant for me. If he were, he would be in love with me too. And he is not. I truly believe what is for you will not go by you. My forever is still out there waiting. And my part to play ...

I struggle with my command of our oral language when it really matters. As an English Literature graduate I could write all day about my feelings, but when it comes to speaking about them I am reduced to drivel. What I say very often won't make sense even to me. I am not sure why this is but I could hazard a guess that it is because I never learnt to talk about my feelings when I was a child. I wrote a lot about them, mostly through stories, but I never shared them out loud. I think I was about 7 years old when I remember feeling sadness and immediately knowing I had to hide it. The times we lived in perhaps. Certainly now I encourage my daughter to talk to me about any and every emotion. Especially anger and sadness. The difficult ones. And through her, I am learning to talk about my feelings. Not in great outbursts which can often be too overwhelming for the poor recipient; but in little snippets here and there to different people. Trusted people. People whom I hope won'...