Healing the Whole ...

I wrote on this blog previously about music and the effect it has on my mood. And how I have started a 'three sad song' rule in order to bring myself out of the darkness even though it jars to play a song that doesn't fit with the angst inside. Yesterday I had a similar experience without music. I was attending a colleague's wedding. I didn't know many people and those I did know weren't close. It would be inevitable polite chit chat which I feared would drain me in my current mood. The wedding started at 2pm. I had a strong gin & tonic before I left. I even thought about what excuse I could make not to go. Sat in the church I made small talk with an acquaintance. I told myself to ignore the darkness. To do what Sarah would do on a day when the darkness wasn't so powerful. When it wasn't threatening to take control. So I asked about this acquaintance's new job, his partner's search for a job (which I found I found help him with), and his ...

I realised last night what this period of darkness has been trying to teach me. The man I am in love with is not the man for me. He is not strong enough to have the relationship I want. Even though he has the capability to. And it's time to let him go. I likened my love for him to the torture of Promtheus in a previous blog and the problem is my dark masochistic heart is revelling a little too much in the pain. A very good friend once told me that I have got too comfortable with pain. From my childhood, to my abusive relationship, to burying children, to a failed marriage - pain is a world I know. It's happiness I struggle with. And so I have fallen in love with a man who doesn't want nor deserve me. Because then I can play the role of the tortured heart once more. The role I am so familiar with. All the lines are etched deep in my memory. Pain. Sadness. My oldest friends who know me well. But not anymore. I am making new friends with Happiness and Joy. This period of...

I am in the longest period of continued darkness that I can remember for a while. It's now in its 5th week. This time it is different though. I am functioning well. Probably at about 60%. I have made all of my commitments. I have not shut myself away or spent days in bed. But I know the darkness is there. My anxiety churns over and over in the pit of my stomach. The darkness manifests itself in little ways: I am not using social media. So much so that people are messaging me asking if I am ok. And I should probably think this is nice but I don't. I want to be left alone. A friend went to hug me as we parted company the other day. I froze. I didn't want her to touch me. I felt my skin crawl as she embraced my stiff, tense body. And I am a girl who loves physical affection. But not when I am trying to shut the world out. I wanted to tell her not to touch me. It took a whole lot of energy to restrain myself and allow my body to be held. I am getting tension headaches e...

I am feeling a little strange today. Yesterday I had a very interesting experience. One that stirred up emotions I had buried last year. I guess it is the right time to process them. Last year my 6 year involvement with a local community group came to an end. Put frankly I was bullied. A fairly young, outspoken woman such as myself is often a target for criticism and I am strong enough to take that. But this was a different league. I do not want to go into the details here but yesterday I was asked to go through the timeline of events from June to November 2016. This person is compiling a narrative as, inevitably, the bullying group have moved on to others since and the situation is being taken to a higher level. In preparation I went through all the old emails I had on the subject and one particularly struck me. I had emailed the Chair of this group to inform him I would not be able to attend the Committee Meeting in November due to the unresolved bullying situation. I told him in...

I have been thinking a lot about this recently. How hard the first step is for those around me to take. Is it because, like Martin Luther King predicted, we want to see the whole staircase? I take a lot of first steps. I seem to be good at doing it. And then I grow frustrated when the climb starts to look tough and I turn around and no one else is there. No one else seems to have been brave enough to make the leap with me. In their defence, I may not see the whole staircase but I certainly see the top. I see what it could be like if I make it there. Where I fail is I don't see all the hard work in between. I have a real thing for men that are physically fit and strong. I used to think it was an evolutionary thing. And while I still think that is partly true, whilst talking about this recently with a girlfriend over a glass or two of gin, I realised something else is also at play. You have to have tenacity and drive to maintain strength and fitness. And I admire that immensel...

Yesterday I gave a talk at a Mental Health Awareness event about my own mental wellness journey. I started by telling my audience, many of whom were business colleagues, that I would be talking about the thing I don't talk about. My darkness. I hope I didn't come across as having delusions of grandeur when I compared it to Winston Churchill's black dog. But like the great man, my darkness is always with me. Sometimes it lays dormant. Sometimes it threatens to overpower. Sometimes it paralyses me. But this blog is not about my experience. I want to explore some difficult emotions I am having with a friend of mine. She is struggling. I see all the signs. We were at a recent business event and she looked absolutely stunning. She appeared on stage to talk about her latest project. She was amazing. And then she got totally inebriated and ended the night continually sneaking off with a man whom we all knew was married with his wife in bed in the hotel upstairs. This particular ...