Healing the Whole ...

I like to feel in charge of a situation. I like to be in control. Except in the bedroom by the way, but that's a different story! I have spent years in personal development mode. Reading, writing, searching, explaining. The more I discover, the more I realise there is to learn. I began to feel more out of control than ever. I wished I could return to blissful ignorance once more. Today I met the man I am in love with for coffee. A business yet friendly meeting which left me feeling as I always do when I leave his company - yearning for more. Two kisses on the cheek for goodbye. A gentle touch on the back for hello. It will never be enough. But as I get ready for my first date with a new man found through a dating site I realise that it is time to take charge of my life. The Man I Love is not meant for me. If he were, he would be in love with me too. And he is not. I truly believe what is for you will not go by you. My forever is still out there waiting. And my part to play ...

It's my favourite bit in the film Avatar. The blue-skinned native female sees Sam Worthington's character Jake Sully in his human form and looks deep his eyes. "I see you," she says in her native tongue, to which he responds the same. Nothing has changed between them. They are still in love. I cherish that idea. I think it's Buddhist. The concept that someone will recognise you no matter what form you take. That you have something quintessentially you that can be read and understood in your eyes. I have been searching for that man who sees me and loves me as I am for all my adult life. But the man I met, whom my heart won't let go, appears only to see my armour. My ability to appear powerful and fearless in my fight to make the world a better place. I want him to see the vulnerable girl full of fear who every day finds the strength to fight on anyway. But to him, she doesn't exist. He sees a warrior princess. I suppose I should feel flattered that m...

I always talk about the magpie. To me it's a sign of the person I want to be and the relationship I want. The magpie is both black and white. A beautiful juxtaposition of two worlds. Two polar opposites. Male and female. Heart and mind. And when you get two magpies together, two people who are able to inhabit both those opposite worlds, they mate for life. I want to find a magpie. Yet all I seem to meet are blackbirds! I try to be a magpie but inevitably sometimes I will be too black or too white and misjudge the situation and my response. Other people also find my duality difficult to deal with. I don't give the responses expected. I don't occupy the world they have me placed in. I spoke about my male friend recently who asked me for support with his ex-wife. He didn't like the response I gave him which was to love his ex-wife and put her needs first. To empathise with her pain. He accused me of not seeing his pain. But I felt I did. I wanted to help him because ...

My daughter came to me this morning and told me superheroes aren't real. That doesn't sound so bad but less than 9 months ago, before she started school, she wanted to be Batman when she grew up. Firstly she came home and told me she couldn't be Batman because she was a girl, which upset me a great deal. Now she tells me Batman and all his superhero friends aren't real because someone at school told her so. It broke my heart. In my 5 year old little girl I see perfection, innocence, sensitivity. I don't want her to change. I don't want the world to stop her being her. But I know it will shape her. It has to. It has shaped me. My job is to build her resilience with my love. I didn't have that growing up and have suffered from it. I was given pain at a young age but not the strategies to deal with it. My resilience has taken a long time to build. My inner core is still shaky and in need of constant support. I told her superheroes did exist. I said she ...

Yesterday I had an interesting experience running. I am training for a half marathon and I haven't been out for two weeks while I struggled with a chest cold. Feeling better but not having quite shaken off the cough, I headed out for a 10 mile run. I started too fast. Under 9 minute miles which was always going to be unsustainable for 10 miles even when I am in peak condition. Come mile 6 I had slowed right down to nearly 10 minute miles. By mile 7 I was walking. I kept telling myself to go steady but rushing at things too fast has always been my problem. I want to tackle everything at speed. And the important things never happen quickly. Like falling in love. I fell in love in August 2015 with a man who is still in my life. I fell hard and I fell fast. Too fast for him. By December 2015 he had let me go declaring that he could not love me in the way I wanted. I was bereft. I have spent the last 18 months pining for him. I feel like Prometheus. Chained to a rock having my l...