A Strong Heart
My ex sent me a video today. He's an maintenance engineer in a vehicle manufacturing plant and the video is him with a sledgehammer bashing some equipment recorded in slow motion. 'Thought you would like this' goes the message.
He thought I would like because he knows I like strong men. I was always extremely attracted to his muscular arms and legs. He's a kick boxer so that helped too! It's evolutionary. Like it or not, women are the weaker sex and when it comes to the bedroom I want a man that looks and feels strong enough to own me.
But I also want a man who is emotionally strong. And here lies my problem. Because my ex, like myself, grew up being told that vulnerability is weakness. That the best form of defence is attack. Our parents did this to make us strong but instead they made us weak. Afraid to open our heart. Afraid to feel what we feel. Afraid to truly love anyone who could hurt us.
It has taken me a lot of time and a lot of tears to get to this point in my life where I am able to share my heart. Not just in a relationship but with the world. I talk openly now about things that trouble me or difficult times I have been through; but in a controlled way so as not to overwhelm myself or my audience with an outburst of emotion. It has been challenging but I am getting to grips with controlled abandon. Now I want to find that man who will give me abandoned control.
Where is that man who is strong enough to show me his vulnerabilities? His emotions? To see mine and not be afraid of them. When my ex-husband and I lost three babies in pregnancy, my emotions were too much for him. My pain frightened him. So I took myself away and worked through it on my own. It was the beginning of the end of the marriage I thought I had.
I don't want to be treated like a fragile china doll. I am strong too. Emotionally and physically. But there is somewhere between being bashed with a sledgehammer and being licked by kittens. I have a heart that is strong. A heart that is fearless. But that doesn't mean, it doesn't need your love and kindness too.
He thought I would like because he knows I like strong men. I was always extremely attracted to his muscular arms and legs. He's a kick boxer so that helped too! It's evolutionary. Like it or not, women are the weaker sex and when it comes to the bedroom I want a man that looks and feels strong enough to own me.
But I also want a man who is emotionally strong. And here lies my problem. Because my ex, like myself, grew up being told that vulnerability is weakness. That the best form of defence is attack. Our parents did this to make us strong but instead they made us weak. Afraid to open our heart. Afraid to feel what we feel. Afraid to truly love anyone who could hurt us.
It has taken me a lot of time and a lot of tears to get to this point in my life where I am able to share my heart. Not just in a relationship but with the world. I talk openly now about things that trouble me or difficult times I have been through; but in a controlled way so as not to overwhelm myself or my audience with an outburst of emotion. It has been challenging but I am getting to grips with controlled abandon. Now I want to find that man who will give me abandoned control.
Where is that man who is strong enough to show me his vulnerabilities? His emotions? To see mine and not be afraid of them. When my ex-husband and I lost three babies in pregnancy, my emotions were too much for him. My pain frightened him. So I took myself away and worked through it on my own. It was the beginning of the end of the marriage I thought I had.
I don't want to be treated like a fragile china doll. I am strong too. Emotionally and physically. But there is somewhere between being bashed with a sledgehammer and being licked by kittens. I have a heart that is strong. A heart that is fearless. But that doesn't mean, it doesn't need your love and kindness too.
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