Healing the Whole ...

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I learnt that I cannot save my daughter from anxiety. And when anxiety has crippled you throughout your life that is a very hard lesson to learn. She told me on the walk to school she had a pain like someone was squeezing her insides. She said she thought it was because she was worried. "Worried about what?" I asked her. She said something about being worried about hospital if the pain didn't get better. "Do you think the pain is because you are worried?" I ask and she nods. So we find a little shelter from the pouring rain and I tell her my technique. "When I am worried and my insides have pain like that, I stop, and I breathe out for as long as I can. Like this ..." I demonstrate and she copies until we are both exhaling loudly. She smiles a little. I ask her if she is ready to go into school. She nods. I tell her if she needs me to get the school to ring me. The school day goes by without a call but the

The man I was in love with contacted me yesterday. A friend of his, whom I know only through social media, has lost her baby in pregnancy. And he thinks I should step in and offer "a shoulder and a voice of experience" to comfort her. Because clearly I am the woman who has lost babies and knows how to get through it. Except I don't. The pain of burying my children before they were born will never leave me. Time has lessened the amount of pain I feel but not the intensity. I can be back there in a moment. Back to a place of heartache so great it made me want to end my own life. I am desperately sorry for this girl. Of course I am. But I can't feel her pain because right now I still feel my own so acutely. I wonder how I would have felt having a relative stranger, with a child now, contact me and share pearls of wisdom from her experience. I think I would have hated it. If she had approached me to talk, it would feel different. But I have no clue as to this girl&#

I have come to the realisation that I have a sensitive heart. If you met me, sensitive is not the word that would spring to mind I admit. I did some DISC profiling on a leadership course today and I am, as always, a high D with elements of C. D is for dominance. I am assertive, forceful, results-driven. But that is my mind. These profiles rarely give you an opportunity to delve into your heart. And my mind is strong as I have already mentioned in this blog. I am not surprised as I have spent years and years strengthening it. Being clever was my thing from an early age. I remember being 4 or 5 years old and being able to name every member of Margaret Thatcher's Cabinet as my party piece. I wasn't particularly pretty as a child (or teenager for that matter!) and although I liked athletics I was consistent rather than exemplary. I also wasn't creative in anything valued like art or music. As a child I shut myself in my room and read books and as a teenager I wrote dark poetr

It is 4pm on a Tuesday and I am sitting on my stairs crying. Too many things have happened to go into here and I seem to have forgotten the basics of my own self-care. My heart feels physically battered. I feel angry and betrayed. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and shut myself down. I want to do it so much it physically aches inside. As the angry tears of hurt fall down my face I look at my phone. I have everyone to call and no one to call. Who is there for me now I need someone so desperately? The answer is Me. I am here. I have not spent a day in bed crippled with sadness since January. My previous behaviour of shutting down completely every few months has changed, and for the better. Because I changed it. No one else. Me. And as I sit here I know, despite the aching temptation, I will not slide back now. I have said goodbye to that. Because it didn't get me the life I wanted. And I am not settling for anything less than the life I want. Instead of

"You ok?" A stock phrase we often use as a greeting. See also "How's things?" or "What's up?" But in using them as a greeting I believe we risk forgetting what it is we are actually asking. And vice versa, when asked, we may lose the opportunity to respond honestly. In my new book, The Superhero I was Born to Be, I talk about letting go and being real. Giving away a small piece of myself in order to build my superpower team around me. Giving everyone a chance to build a bridge of trust. And accepting that some people will want to and some won't. I have started using the question greeting as an opportunity to give away that little something. Instead of giving a stock answer of "yeah, I'm fine" or "things are ok"; I will offer a real response. And often this is not what the recipient wants because they didn't really want to know if I am ok. They were just offering a greeting. For example, recently the man I used

"Sticks and stones may break my bones But words will never hurt me" It doesn't matter how many times I say the rhyme I learnt in childhood. Repetition doesn't make it true. Words do hurt me. They hurt me a lot. I think they always will. The man I was in love with described me this week as dysfunctional and sensitive. Two words that hurt very much coming from him. Because it doesn't matter how many times he tells the public world how wonderful he thinks I am. What matters is the words he says when we are alone. I have a destructive inner self. Where she came from I don't know but she is quick to anger, very territorial, and has a vile tongue. Especially with me. After reading The Chimp Paradox, I call her my chimp. That book changed my life in 2014 when it finally allowed me to recognise my darkness and give her a name. Only once I knew she was there could I try to control her.  And controlling her now is usually fairly easy; sometimes it is

What a summer it has been! A rollercoaster of highs and lows all useful for learning when I manage to grasp what life is teaching me. Now here we are at the start of September and I am reviewing where I am for 2017. 2016 was the year I took flight and this year was about keeping myself in the air. I have done that despite much unexpected turbulence! Now it is time to prepare to fly higher. I am tired though. Tired of being told I am at odds with what I should be. Tired of people's judgement of me as if I live in a black & white world. Below are a selection I have experienced in the last month: I am my business partner's ex-wife - we should not continue working together  I am a business owner - I should not prioritise culture over profit  I am a strong woman - I should not be sensitive  I am a single woman being friendly to a single man - I must want to sleep with him  I am a single woman being friendly to a married man - I must want to sleep with him too  My wor