Holding Out for A Hero
I have had sadness inside me for as long as I can remember. I was a sad child, a sad teenager, and I am a sad adult. Is the sadness depression? I don't know, although I have been offered anti-depressants. Is it genetic? I don't know, although three members of my family have talked about or attempted suicide.
The thing is I learnt quite young that sadness didn't get me anywhere and it didn't make people want to love me. So I learnt to hide it. I think I was about six years old when I can remember sobbing into my teddy before wiping my eyes and feeling I had to pretend not to be sad in front of everyone else.
I thought finding a man who would love me forever was the cure to sadness. But following my marriage when the sadness returned, I realised it wasn't. So I tried counselling. And that wasn't the fix I hoped for either. It turned out the sadness was part of me and so we had to learn to live together.
Counselling helped me talk about the sadness. It helped me start to process it. It helped me learn how best to manage it long-term. And I think I am doing ok. The sadness is still there though. And the closer you get to me, the more of it you will see.
That's why I need a hero. The man I was in love with, James, the explorer - they have all seen the sadness and run. They have seen the strong business-minded woman they thought they knew become an anxious, frightened little girl. Going by past experiences, I know the sadness will pass. But that doesn't stop me being shit scared of it while it's here. What if it gets worse? What if I can't manage it this time?
My ex-husband took care of the anxious little girl but struggled to manage the strong woman. The men I have met since him have been attracted only to my strength and are physically and mentally repelled by my weakness.
I don't need a man to manage my sadness because I can do that on my own. I want a man prepared to understand it, accept it, and love it as the part of me that it is. It's a big ask I realise but not, I hope, an impossible one.
I need a hero ...
The thing is I learnt quite young that sadness didn't get me anywhere and it didn't make people want to love me. So I learnt to hide it. I think I was about six years old when I can remember sobbing into my teddy before wiping my eyes and feeling I had to pretend not to be sad in front of everyone else.
I thought finding a man who would love me forever was the cure to sadness. But following my marriage when the sadness returned, I realised it wasn't. So I tried counselling. And that wasn't the fix I hoped for either. It turned out the sadness was part of me and so we had to learn to live together.
Counselling helped me talk about the sadness. It helped me start to process it. It helped me learn how best to manage it long-term. And I think I am doing ok. The sadness is still there though. And the closer you get to me, the more of it you will see.
That's why I need a hero. The man I was in love with, James, the explorer - they have all seen the sadness and run. They have seen the strong business-minded woman they thought they knew become an anxious, frightened little girl. Going by past experiences, I know the sadness will pass. But that doesn't stop me being shit scared of it while it's here. What if it gets worse? What if I can't manage it this time?
My ex-husband took care of the anxious little girl but struggled to manage the strong woman. The men I have met since him have been attracted only to my strength and are physically and mentally repelled by my weakness.
I don't need a man to manage my sadness because I can do that on my own. I want a man prepared to understand it, accept it, and love it as the part of me that it is. It's a big ask I realise but not, I hope, an impossible one.
I need a hero ...
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