I am here ...

It is 4pm on a Tuesday and I am sitting on my stairs crying. Too many things have happened to go into here and I seem to have forgotten the basics of my own self-care. My heart feels physically battered. I feel angry and betrayed. I want to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and shut myself down. I want to do it so much it physically aches inside.

As the angry tears of hurt fall down my face I look at my phone. I have everyone to call and no one to call. Who is there for me now I need someone so desperately?

The answer is Me. I am here. I have not spent a day in bed crippled with sadness since January. My previous behaviour of shutting down completely every few months has changed, and for the better. Because I changed it. No one else. Me. And as I sit here I know, despite the aching temptation, I will not slide back now. I have said goodbye to that. Because it didn't get me the life I wanted. And I am not settling for anything less than the life I want.

Instead of cancelling tomorrow and its responsibilities I am going to embrace them. Or at least do my very best to embrace them. I am going to remind myself that the only person I have a lifelong responsibility for is me. And in my hour of need, I am always here.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Finding Safety

This week I have moved house. It is apparently the third most stressful thing you can do (along with getting divorced which is why I am moving house!) but coupled with that over the last 14 years I have fallen in love with my house. And I don’t mean I love it like the inanimate object that it is or I love the memories I have made in it. I mean I am in love with it like you are in love with a person. It is part of me. It is my safety net. My comfort blanket. The one that is always there. The one that will never let me down. I know where I stand and it always delivers exactly what I expect every time. I could go on.  I have been through some very difficult times in my house but it has always kept me safe. I never witnessed nor was the victim of any violence in those four walls. It never gave me anything but support. Four walls of it. And a front door that locked and shut the world out. I have lost count of the amount of times I have been hiding in my bed while the door knocked and I
Read more

The Hygge Life ...

Image
My sister-in-law writes a travel blog. It's a really good read. Her and my brother have a real sense of adventure. They travel to exotic places and do exciting things. Safari. Scuba dive. I read the blog and see the photos and wonder why I have no desire for the same adventures. I realise now it's because when I travel I'm not an adventure girl. I'm a comfort girl. As I write this I am sat in a little cafe in Copenhagen in Nyhavn. I am sitting out on the street enjoying my second pot of coffee. I came to this area yesterday so I have my bearings and know exactly where I am and where I want to go next. I feel comfortable and at peace. No sense of agitation. Reflecting here has made me realise how little I feel that comfort in my everyday life. I push myself and my boundaries most of the time. I have grown accustomed to the feeling of discomfort most days. At work. Out running. Even at home I am usually doing something. I only sit to watch a film with my daughter. I r
Read more

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

And how can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop the sun from shining? What makes the world go round? It's a beautifully haunting song. I have to admit to being a romcom fan (because I know they always end well!) and this song is used in Notting Hill when Hugh Grant is trying desperately to get over Julia Roberts yet tormenting himself by watching her movies. I have a broken heart. It was not broken all at once but chipped away at over time. A few tough breaks in my younger years weakened its structure and, because I struggled to mend it, it continued to fracture. I went to counselling to fix myself and was told I would never be fixed. Deep in my heart are the wounds that time won't heal. My heart will never be as good as new. It can't even be classified as 'in good condition'. I have to accept that inside of the strong exterior everyone sees, there is a fractured, splintered, battered heart that b
Read more