Learning to Care ...
I am feeling a little strange today. Yesterday I had a very interesting experience. One that stirred up emotions I had buried last year. I guess it is the right time to process them.
Last year my 6 year involvement with a local community group came to an end. Put frankly I was bullied. A fairly young, outspoken woman such as myself is often a target for criticism and I am strong enough to take that. But this was a different league. I do not want to go into the details here but yesterday I was asked to go through the timeline of events from June to November 2016. This person is compiling a narrative as, inevitably, the bullying group have moved on to others since and the situation is being taken to a higher level.
In preparation I went through all the old emails I had on the subject and one particularly struck me. I had emailed the Chair of this group to inform him I would not be able to attend the Committee Meeting in November due to the unresolved bullying situation. I told him in plain English it was detrimental to my mental wellbeing. Now this blog knows I suffer with anxiety, but not everyone does. That email declaration is the closest I have come to admitting my struggles in a space that hasn't been designed for that purpose.
The response back from this man in his 60s, who himself has two daughters of a similar age to me, was not kind. He criticised me for not supporting the 'wellbeing' of the group by being selfishly focused on myself. It is only reading it back now that I see the cruelty in his response. Back then I shut down completely and had nothing more to do with any of the group, unable to process the emotions churning inside me.
And yesterday there I was repeating this story to a different white-haired man also with daughters of a similar age to me. And I tell you that because the look this man gave me made me want to cry.
"You have been treated terribly."
He said with pity in his eyes. And he looked like he wanted to hug me. But society doesn't let us do that and I am not sure how I would have responded in all honesty. But he made me realise something. I was treated badly. And it's ok to admit that. No one needed to stick up for me. But it would have been nice if someone had.
As he left my house, he turned to my 5 year old who had been chatting away to him throughout the short meeting, and said
"Take care of your Mummy."
I am crying as I write this. Because deep in my dark and twisted heart I don't believe I am worthy of care. It has taken me my current lifetime to learn to truly care for myself. And now it seems important that I learn how to let someone else ...
Last year my 6 year involvement with a local community group came to an end. Put frankly I was bullied. A fairly young, outspoken woman such as myself is often a target for criticism and I am strong enough to take that. But this was a different league. I do not want to go into the details here but yesterday I was asked to go through the timeline of events from June to November 2016. This person is compiling a narrative as, inevitably, the bullying group have moved on to others since and the situation is being taken to a higher level.
In preparation I went through all the old emails I had on the subject and one particularly struck me. I had emailed the Chair of this group to inform him I would not be able to attend the Committee Meeting in November due to the unresolved bullying situation. I told him in plain English it was detrimental to my mental wellbeing. Now this blog knows I suffer with anxiety, but not everyone does. That email declaration is the closest I have come to admitting my struggles in a space that hasn't been designed for that purpose.
The response back from this man in his 60s, who himself has two daughters of a similar age to me, was not kind. He criticised me for not supporting the 'wellbeing' of the group by being selfishly focused on myself. It is only reading it back now that I see the cruelty in his response. Back then I shut down completely and had nothing more to do with any of the group, unable to process the emotions churning inside me.
And yesterday there I was repeating this story to a different white-haired man also with daughters of a similar age to me. And I tell you that because the look this man gave me made me want to cry.
"You have been treated terribly."
He said with pity in his eyes. And he looked like he wanted to hug me. But society doesn't let us do that and I am not sure how I would have responded in all honesty. But he made me realise something. I was treated badly. And it's ok to admit that. No one needed to stick up for me. But it would have been nice if someone had.
As he left my house, he turned to my 5 year old who had been chatting away to him throughout the short meeting, and said
"Take care of your Mummy."
I am crying as I write this. Because deep in my dark and twisted heart I don't believe I am worthy of care. It has taken me my current lifetime to learn to truly care for myself. And now it seems important that I learn how to let someone else ...
Comments
Post a Comment