Emotional Selfishness

A good male friend once told me that women are emotionally selfish. We get a problem and tell a man about it and that offloads the anxiety from us onto them. And then we forget about it. We're not interested when the man tells us how to fix it. In the telling, the burden is lifted from our shoulders.

I don't agree such emotional selfishness is limited to women. We all want that person or persons we can be vulnerable with and reveal our darkest fears. Because by revealing them we are facing them. I am an anxious person. You wouldn't believe it to look at me but the tell-tale signs are there. I am looking at my typing fingers with cuticles ripped to pieces as I nervously pick at them. My sleep is full of troubled dreams. My running slow and arduous as my body struggles to cope with the anxiety of my mind and the physical demands of my exercise. "What is troubling me?" someone might ask. The truth is I don't know.

I struggle to articulate my feelings. But when I am feeling like this I only want to tell one person. The man I am in love with. And he remains as silent as ever. And that frustrates me. Because when he, or any one else, tells me their burden I take it on. I empathise. I offer support. Physically, emotionally, mentally. No one would be in any doubt that I am there with them. I hear their pain. I see their pain. I feel their pain.

And that takes its toll. And that is where I feel I am. Supporting everyone else and lacking support for myself. Cursing everyone's emotional selfishness. And with no outlet for my own.

Until today. Today walking down the street I realise what a privileged position I hold. To be the one people open up to. To be the one people show their vulnerable side. Their darkest fears. Their anxieties. Because I am strong. I am trustworthy. I am one who has battled with pain and won. Again and again and again.

I wonder if the man I am in love with knows the privileged position he holds. That the girl who has always kept so much locked up in her heart wants to open it and tell him everything. And not just because she is emotionally selfish and wants to offload the burden. She wants him to know her inside and out. In a way no one else ever has ...