Being a Magpie

I always talk about the magpie. To me it's a sign of the person I want to be and the relationship I want. The magpie is both black and white. A beautiful juxtaposition of two worlds. Two polar opposites. Male and female. Heart and mind. And when you get two magpies together, two people who are able to inhabit both those opposite worlds, they mate for life. I want to find a magpie. Yet all I seem to meet are blackbirds!

I try to be a magpie but inevitably sometimes I will be too black or too white and misjudge the situation and my response. Other people also find my duality difficult to deal with. I don't give the responses expected. I don't occupy the world they have me placed in.

I spoke about my male friend recently who asked me for support with his ex-wife. He didn't like the response I gave him which was to love his ex-wife and put her needs first. To empathise with her pain. He accused me of not seeing his pain. But I felt I did. I wanted to help him because I care for him and could see he was in pain as a result of this difficult situation. I wanted to show him how to resolve that difficulty. His reaction has bothered me because it has felt like I misjudged the situation completely. So when I got an opportunity to ask someone neutral about it I did.

"He was expecting either a female response or a male one," this person told me, "and you gave him both. You showed him how to fix it, which is conventionally the male response, using love and empathy, traits of the female."

This response intrigued me and I have done a lot of thinking on it since. A not very close female friend came to me yesterday with her own relationship issues. Even though I don't know her well, I wanted very much to help. I was conscious of the female response in me, the empathy that I needed to show especially following my miscommunication with my male friend; but also she really was in desperate need of some practical help. Empathy. Practical help. Empathy, Practical help. This was the pattern my messages followed because every time I gave her practical advice, I got back how her broken heart will not allow her to continue, to pick herself up, to carry on. So I had to empathise again before giving her the advice she really needed. "There is a time to grieve," I told her, "when you have taken your first step towards sorting your life out."

Our exchange continued this morning and finally I think my practical advice is taking hold. I am pleased I persevered and glad I switched from my heart to mind responses effectively this time. Being the magpie is a struggle. But it it where I belong.


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