A Soft Mind & A Hard Heart

Recently I was approached by a friend for advice about his ex wife. He asked for my help and yet when I told him what I thought he fought it. Telling me that what I was telling him to do wasn't fair. My heart was firm. Love her. Care for her. Do what is best for her. She needs you to put her first. "I won't get it back", he says, "it's always me that has to flex." Yes. And it will be over and over and over again. Because that's what love is. It keeps no record of wrongs.

He messaged me later to tell me what I had said felt like an attack. As if I was saying his relationship with his ex-wife and his children was transactional. I wanted to say that was because in parts it was. If his focus is the well-being of his children then loving their mother is just as much his responsibility as financially providing for them. The mental well-being of children is so dependent on the mental well-being of their parents. I speak from painful painful experience when I say that.

He told me he had wanted a 'more human' response. By which I concluded he meant a softer one. But my heart is not soft. My heart is hard. It will fiercely defend love. My heart is at war with hate and will fight it with everything I have.

I had a meeting with my own divorce solicitor this morning. She's a wonderfully kind woman but I leave every meeting feeling like an idiot. I was so pleased with myself finding out what money was in our savings account when we split and what money the business still owed me; but there was so much I still didn't know about equity in the house; money owed to his brother; my mortgage capacity; and so on and so on. My soft mind doesn't think about those things. Rightly or wrongly I believe they will somehow take care of themselves. Money feels easy to earn. Love has always been harder for me to keep hold of.

As I write this I wonder if a shift is needed. Do I need to harden my mind and soften my heart? If I fight for love can I still show mercy to those who don't love? If I harden my mind can I still be loved?

I don't want to feel like an idiot again in my solicitor's office. So I am going to get the answers she seeks. I am going to trust that I can have both money and love.

And I am going to show those who don't love more mercy. They are the ones most in need of love after all  ...

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